life is good. and so are people. and so is God.

this article is a testament of what i went through, and how God, and the people in my life, helped me overcome what i was dealing with.

january and february were probably the hardest months ive ever experienced. the deaths of wade, aubrey, jewel and fleur absolutely destroyed me. id never had anyone super close to me die, and not even that i was SUPER close with them, but the whole situation broke my heart. i didnt know how to grieve (i honestly still dont know how) and i didnt know how to move on. id have emotional breakdowns almost every day; my sweater sleeves were soaked everytime i looked down at them. everytime i learned something new about the accident, the words would ring in my head. each article, each obituary, each write up, on the impact of their lives, and each tribute, lived in my mind. it was all i could think about. id have fun with my family, id go skating, id spend time with my friends, but the good times and happy thoughts were always only momentary. as soon as my mind had a free moment, it grabbed onto the memories of wade and aubrey and jewel and fleur. as soon as my mind wasnt preoccupied, it seized the words i had heard or read, or the pictures i had seen, and demanded all my attention on them. i could literally feel the heart in my chest sinking whenever i had a breakdown. i had no idea how to get out of the pit i was in. it hit each person in my family different, but i was struggling the longest. the others seemed to grieve and move on in a healthy way, but i was so stuck on it. i couldnt understand why i was having such a hard time with it, and besides constantly praying for breakthrough, i didnt know how to help myself. this was a constant struggle all through january and february, and then into march.

the first week of march was horrible. at that point, it wasnt just grief i was dealing with. everything that could have gone wrong, or hurt me, had happened in the span of two months, and it really hit me how 'bad' everything was at the beginning of march.

on top of everything that was going on, i was so upset with myself, because i knew i was acting like a different person. id never been someone to dwell on the negative things in life, or get down about anything. id had sad days before, but i almost always went to bed happy and grateful, and woke up fine the next day. id never been consistently sad, day in and day out. id never gone to bed, so many nights in a row, in tears, and woken up, so many mornings in a row, crying.

sometime near the beginning of march, i had spent the entire day crying. it was the worst it had ever been.

im not sure what i can really credit 'moving on' to, but after that really hard week, and that day, something snapped me out of it. i think it must have been some sort of miracle, something only God couldve done. but the next morning i woke up, and had this voice in my head demanding that i get my issues figured out and dealt with. i had grieved long enough, and it was time to move on and stop dwelling on my sadness.

i started working out with my mom every morning at home. this was the first really healthy step in getting my mental health back on track. i was going to my one class and then going out for lunch with my friends everyday, and i was able to fill my evenings with activities or else work, and that really helped too. i was working at jeffreys, earls, art & soul, teaching piano, and tutoring friends. i was staying busy, and it made me happy.

then i was asked to grad. and that probably seems insignificant, considering what i was going through, but it was actually a massive stepping stone for me, in terms of getting my mental health better. it removed a lot of the stress i had felt, regarding grad and finding an escort, and it also allowed me to start really anticipating and planning for the months ahead, and what they would look like. that first step opened up so much anticipation and excitement, and that was so good for me.

restaurants closed again, so my time opened up a lot. it was a good thing though, because the weather was getting nicer, so my friends and i were outside playing baseball, frisbee, tennis, golf, quading, and rollarblading. the combination of the sun, good friends, good conversations, and being active, was perfect.

our family made the decision to live as though covid didn't exist. we agreed it would be a topic we'd try our best to avoid discussing at the table, or even at home in general. we agreed that we would live in community and welcome whoever, whenever, into our home. this was another turning point in feeling better.

i think at this point, may 13th, my mental health is finally back to where it was around the fall last year, and i am so happy with my life and the people in it.

while two months ago i couldnt find any good in my life, now it is all i see. i am surrounded by the best people. people who love me, support me, care for me, and want to see me happy. i go to bed each night, full of gratitude, and wake up each morning with anticipation for the adventures and memories the day is going to bring. life is so good, and i am so happy, and i cannot credit any of my healing to myself.

life is hard, and it throws the toughest challenges, but life is also good. and so are people. and so is God.